I hate to vent at the end of a long and happy weekend — and on a Monday, no less — but something’s on my mind, and I figured you might have some input…
Wherever I take the girls, some well-meaning store clerk, receptionist, or shopkeeper is handing them candy. I’m amazed that so many people will give candy to my children without even asking me. (I did have one grocery clerk ask me, right before she put something into the girls’ hands, but the damage was already done: The girls’ eyes were fixed on those giant lollipops, and I felt I’d have been a big mean mom saying no.) If it didn’t always happen so fast, I might be able to say something before the girls were ripping off the wrappers, but it’s often while my back is turned, and then it’s too late.
Take this Saturday, for example: We were getting some takeout from a restaurant whose owner has, on many occasions, given me long (though friendly) lectures about what an unhealthy society we live in, how we all need to eat better, and so on. And yet, as we were leaving, I caught him out of the corner of my eye handing two gigantic candy bars to my girls — the super-sized kind. The girls eyes bugged out — and, since they were hungry (we hadn’t eaten dinner yet, of course), they were determined to eat those chocolate bars right then and there. It was either going to be a public meltdown or a compromise; we chose the latter, letting them split one bar while we stuck the other in a pocket, promising it later (but hoping they’d forget).
It’s not that candy every so often is a big deal. But I’m particular about what kinds I give my girls and how often they have it, and I work hard to keep bad sugars and chemicals out of their diet. Every time someone hands them candy in public, I’m faced with a dilemma: Do I snatch it from their hands, causing a public meltdown (or whining spell), and make the perpetrator — who I know only has the best intentions — feel bad? Or do I just grin and bear it, while feeling like my hard-won efforts are being undermined?
I think I now have to start telling people to please ask me before handing out candy in the future. Which means I’ll have to put up with more handouts before this works. And maybe it won’t work; they may not remember me the next time I walk in. Then again, I’ll be the uptight mom who’s gone a bit overboard, so maybe they will.
I’m not sure what else to do. If it were only once every blue moon, it would be different, but this has been happening at least once or twice a week, and it’s driving me bonkers. If you’ve got any other advice, I’m all ears!
Any fun plans for President’s Day? I’m going to enjoy my time today with B and the girls — without any candy.
Image: Getty Images, found here
Hello, I'm Zoe Saint-Paul. I'm a writer, life coach, and new mama to twins who's trying to live "slower" in a speed-obsessed world. Here we chat about life and love, food and design, and everything in between -- all at the right pace. So grab some tea, pull up a chair, and join the conversation. Feel free to 
This drives me up a wall, although I have it a bit better: people DO ask first, and BEFORE they start handing it to my little guy. But when someone HAS just handed him something, though, I have had to suck it up and be the meanie, because the thing is, he can. not. eat most of the stuff they put into candy that’s cheap enough for people to just hand out willy-nill; it makes him incredibly sick. (Luckily, he has had enough of those experiences to – usually – calmly accept my explanation of “That will give you a tummy-sick”, as he calls it.) And if the giver feels bad because of a meltdown or other expression of disappointment, well, I hate to sound vindictive, but, GOOD. They *should* feel bad. They didn’t stop to check if the kid was allergic to nuts before handing them a snickers, or ask if they’re diabetic before flashing a giant lollipop, or even simply find out if maybe Mom had revoked the privilege of sweets for the day as a discipline. The meltdown is not Mom’s fault; it’s the fault of the person who showed the child something they may or may not be able to have, and if the child can’t have it, that’s actually kind of cruel of them. Unintentionally, to be sure, but still no fun for the kid to be reminded that there are delicious-looking things out there that are off limits. And if someone undermines a parent, and (again, inadvertently) teases a child that way, I think they should feel bad, and I would hope they would think twice before doing the same with the next parent-child group who comes along.
Alas, I don’t have any advice, but I do sympathize with you. I remember being so appalled when we were at a parade and those in the parade were throwing candy bars and dog treats at the crowd. I was irritated to no end to see that every single time a dog treat was offered, the giver carefully checked with the pet owner first. But the candy was thrown with an assumption that it was acceptable. I came to the conclusion that we were living in a place that was more dog-friendly than child-friendly, though given your story, that might not be fair.
I gave up the perfect, sugar/artificial free diet I’d envisioned long ago in part because it was just too impossible given interactions with others. I also worried that by banning it, it would take on more importance than I wanted it to. (We know one child whose mom has a strict ban and as a result the six year old sneaks food at every occasion – her obsession has been really awkward. And detrimental to others – i.e. when she took an entire plate of brownies before a potluck into the bathroom in order to gorge privately.)
I’m not entirely satisfied with the results – more sugar in their diets than I’d prefer – but I do think that my kids are better at leaving sugar uneaten than I am (I grew up with it rare and mostly banned, or carob/honey substitutes, which were awful.) They don’t much care that their Halloween and now Valentine’s Day chocolates are uneaten whereas their presence in the kitchen is haunting my Lenten weak moments! :-}
My best approach therefore is imperfect and rather like your compromise. Smile and accept, hide and hope that “out of sight, out of mind” works. Often it does. I don’t know that I’d ever have the guts to confront people who are being so “nice” and giving, but I’m sure that if you do, you’ll find a way to do it with grace and class.
I found that very annoying especially since other people don’t know if your kid is allergic to nuts, etc. If the person asks then I normally say “no thank you.” If they have handed to my kids without permission then I normally take them away from the kids and say they can have them “later” which means for dessert or they just go missing. I think my kids are used to it since we don’t normally have meltdowns or they look at me to see if I am going to take it away. Sometimes I want to put buttons on the kids that say “please don’t give me candy.”
Oh and if you have any advice on telling Grandparents not to give your kids candy or other junk food, I would like to hear it.
And then there’s school. With 18-20 kids in a class, each one celebrates a birthday, so that’s 20 days of cupcakes, cookies or candy. Then, count each of the holiday parties, reading goal celebrations, good classroom behavior rewards, “Donuts for Dads” mornings, and grandparents week. I would guess that’s about half of all school days when there is a sugary treat present. That totally blows us being able to tell our kids that treats are for special occasions, not every day. AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
That is crazy that this happens to you so frequently! We struggle with this too, but primarily because my son is allergic to nuts and candy and desserts are some of the main culprits for products containing nuts or made in a factory with nuts. I find it easier to set his expectations instead of trying to teach every person we encounter why they shouldn’t just hand him a treat (the exception is relatives — teaching them to ask me first is worthwhile because we see them more often). He knows that he might not get to it eat right away, but we’ll keep it in the treat jar for a reward.
I’m surprised more people don’t ask you first. Around here, with the exception of grandfatherly-types at church, everyone asks me first “can they have a lollipop?”, and usually sotto voce to boot. I have no problem saying no sometimes, and yes at other times, depending on the circumstance.
Hi Zoe! I would be ticked too! Maybe you could keep a different goodie in your bag to trade for the girls’ candy; like bubbles, special stickers, pictures to look at, 5 minutes on the iPhone, etc. You stash the candy and toss it later.
This frustrates me too. I now keep acceptable candy in my purse to swap out for the cheap stuff that is given to him without asking me first.. I have a couple of organic lollypops and good chocolate and sometimes a baggy of choc covered sunflower seeds. I use these on the days I don’t feel like dealing with a meltdown. If I’m up for it I will sometimes just be a meanie. Where I live food allergies are really prevalent so most are food about asking first, except with lollypops (people never think about food dye allergies). DS is not allergic, so for us it is just about the crap they put in cheap sweets.
Ah yes, this is frustrating. We need to slow this down as a culture if we want happy and healthy kids. It is worse during the holidays. I think it is OK to have a candy limit in mind, share that with your girls and then once you have passed that limit you can say to people “Oh that is so nice of you! But the girls have recently had some candy and I try to not to give it to them too much.” There might be some tears at first but after a few times the girls will know that this is the expectation.
The school years can be even worse. But I do have a solution for that. Our public school used to allow a free-for-all for every holiday, birthday and celebration. You weren’t a good parent unless you brought in a sugary treat for the occasion. Then the kids would help themselves to a buffet table of treats, ending up with a plateful of nutritional junk. Then in the name of protecting a few, those with food allergies and diabetics, the policy of no-food for celebrations began. While some might argue this was an extreme solution, as a parent I love it. No gorging on food on a regular basis, no hyper kids in the afternoon or evening, no sugar addiction, and I don’t have to bake for yet another school function.
So once the girls are school age I would ask about the school’s policy on food, celebrations etc. If it is a free-for-all, I would work with other parents to change it. You can do it in the interest of food allergies and living a healthy lifestyle without excess. Yes people complain a bit in the beginning, but it is really wonderful in the long run. Good luck!