My two four-year-old girly girls like to hang rubber bands and Christmas ornaments from their ears and pretend they’re earrings. (That’s H wearing some Christmas bell ornament “earrings” — and yes, she’s gorgeous, friends.) They barely speak English, yet they’ve already asked to have their ears pierced “like mommy.” When I wear a big pair of earrings, they call them “wonderful” and declare me “pretty.” So lately I’ve been thinking about what my rules are going to be when it comes to ear piercing for my daughters.
I had my ears pierced when I was 14, but I was clamoring to get it done before I hit my teen years. My mother wouldn’t allow it until I was old enough to take responsibility for caring for my own ears (and earrings). She also wanted me to be able to find my way around a mall to get it done: As a woman who has still never worn an earring, she wasn’t particularly interested in making it a mother-daughter bonding experience — but she also didn’t mind my having it done eventually.
My father, on the other hand, didn’t want me to ever do it, because he was studying acupuncture at the time, and apparently there’s an important acupuncture point on the ear lobe that he didn’t want me to mutilate. Fourteen-year-olds could care less about such things when vanity is on the line, of course, but it all came back to me when I started seeing an acupuncturist 10 years ago; I prayed I wasn’t doomed.
When I moved away from home to attend university, I discovered there were many girls who had their ears pierced much younger than I did, some even as — gasp! — babies. But I soon learned that cultural norms, beliefs about femininity and beauty, and family traditions went into such decisions. For some friends, it was no big deal — as soon as they asked for it, their mother or babysitter drove them somewhere to get it done. The more rebellious ones did it without telling their parents. And for others, it was a special birthday treat or “coming of age” gift.
There’s nothing in any cultural heritage our family observes that calls for early ear piercing, and I like my mom’s rule of needing to be able to take care for your own ears before getting it done. I also like the idea of making it a “coming of age” event — though I’m not sure what age that would be. Thirteen? Sixteen?
What’s your approach to this? At what age did you have your ears pierced? What rules did you set for ear piercing in your children? (I’m aware this is no longer a female beauty norm, and men and boys get their ears pierced, too.) I’d love to hear your thoughts!
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Hello, I'm Zoe Saint-Paul. I'm a writer, life coach, and new mama to twins who's trying to live "slower" in a speed-obsessed world. Here we chat about life and love, food and design, and everything in between -- all at the right pace. So grab some tea, pull up a chair, and join the conversation. Feel free to 
I was 13, and it was a mother/daughter bonding thing on my birthday. I’d been wanting to get my ears pierced for quite a while, and finally my mom caved when she noticed other girls my age with their ears pierced looking very pretty.
I like the idea of ear piercing being a learning moment as well as a marker of growing up. If you don’t have the skills to treat the puncture, then you probably shouldn’t be getting your ears pierced. I feel kind of sorry for babies who get their ears pierced – they do look very cute sometimes, but then they miss out on the WANTING it and the joy of feeling like you’ve hit a milestone when it does come.
For your girls – have you considered clip-on earrings? And I’d vote for 13 as the age when piercing happens, and a girl learns a lesson about responsibility in taking care of her ears. I feel like 16′s marker/lesson needs to be about handling freedom well.
Hadn’t thought of clip-on earrings.
Part of me thinks I want them to look forward to the idea that earrings are a “big girl” thing and have them focus more on being little because it goes too fast as it is.
I had mine pierced at 13, no milestone, just when I was old enough to get it done myself and pay for the earrings. I don’t have an opinion about it, except that I guess it does seem like it would be appropriate to wait to at least the tween years. But that must be based on my own experience; I admit having no underlying philosophy about it. My husband, however, feels strongly that they must wait. He thinks it is akin to tatooing – when I posed the question after the girls asked about it, he exploded, asking me if I’d take them for tatoos afterward. Not the reaction I expected or choices I consider equivalent, so it looks like we’re in the “undecided” realm on this one, for the time being. Fortunately, the girls at 7 and 5 aren’t pushing hard yet.
Interesting response from your husband. It makes me wonder what the difference really is between tattoos and piercing… Is it just that we’re culturally used to ear piercing, but consider tattooing more rebellious and subversive? Since I never myself was interested in permanent tattoos or more than one piercing, I haven’t given all this much thought over the years.
For what it’s worth, I think earrings are different from tattooing in that earrings draw the eye to the wearer’s face, whereas tattoos draw attention to themselves. But I realize that could just be cultural prejudice too – always hard to avoid!
13 sounds like a good age to me, although I don’t have any opinions on people who let their daughters do it earlier (even babies).
I don’t have pierced ears myself. I had them once when I was about 12 and they got so infected I pulled them out and said never again. I dislike wearing jewelry of any kind…even my wedding band is the thinnest one I could find
You sound like my mom. I don’t think she even owns any jewelry. And she’s not married anymore so no wedding band, either. She likes it that way and doesn’t feel like herself with jewelry.
Great question … one I’ve been pondering a lot lately. I was 12 or 13, and I originally thought that was a good age for my daughter as well. But I’ve relented. N really, really wants hers pierced and has for some time. So we plan to do it for her birthday later this month. She will be 7. I am prepared for the eye-rolling and (subtle) judgement from my mom and a few others. And my husband needed some time to get used to the idea. In the all-White culture in which I was raised, young children didn’t have pierced ears. But I’m raising N in a very different culture. In her circle, pretty much every little girl has pierced ears. And she wants that more than any toy or doll or anything else. (But for the record, I am adamantly opposed to tattooing … at *any* age. Go figure!!!)
Your comment is a good reminder that these kinds of decisions have to be made in context. I can see in N’s case, it may be an important part of belonging and identity right now.
I think my first ear piercing was around age 6, I don’t remember it at all. I had my ears pierced a second time around age 13 (second set of holes, not a re-piercing). As for my daughter, I will be waiting until she expresses an interest and I feel she is old enough to leave them alone and not want to mess with them constantly. I will also be taking her to an actual piercer and not a mall stand. Piercing guns are not good for ears for many reasons ranging from sterilization and tissue trauma. http://tattoo.about.com/cs/psafety/a/piercing_guns.htm
Going to a piercer and not a mall stand is probably smart.
First, some say moms shouldn’t pierced their baby girls ears ears because it is cruel. On the contrary, moms are doing them a favor to pierce your dd’s ears. Some pediatricians do it in their office or have a trained nurse perform the procedure for mom. If they are doing it, it can’t be deemed cruel.
Second, I grew up too with a “white bread ”WASPY” mother who didn’t pierce her ears until she was well into her 30s, having been told by my grandmother that only gypsies had pierced ears. At two my mom said I was asking, and asking for them. My best friend had hers done as an infant. I can remember having them done so it wasn’t a good experience either at this age. I told my mom later how I wished she would have pierced them for me soon after birth.
Third, I know a lot of people have strong feelings when to pierce a child’s ear. “Let them decide” is being replaced by parental decision when mommy intuition knows, “earlier is better” from either personal or friend’s experiences of unpleasant childhood ear piercing. I think it just depends on your own personal choice whether or not you wish your baby or little girl to have pierced ears.
Fourth, cultural traditions and perceived gender of their child are important. Cerebrally, as mothers of girls of all ages, we know it celebrates their femaleness and femininity. After all, they are little girls, right? Growing up I remember many of my little girlfriends were not allowed to get their ears
pierced. I could never understand it…but when their parents did finally let them, it always seemed they’d get infected because they were constantly touching them or trying to change out the earrings before they were supposed to. Many said it was painful, but all cried having a great deal of angst leading up to and including the actual ear piercing.
Fifth, I never pictured myself piercing my baby’s ears, but we did it at 6 weeks. However, I’d say since your girls are four and want earrings, now is the time to have their ears pierced. If there wanting to look like mommy, there is nothing wrong with that either in my book.
Our ped encouraged me to do it when mommy could care for them. She gave me some info how to find the right person, place, type of earrings and post care instructions. This was very helpful in making it a good experience for us.
Lastly, if any moms are on the fence “to pierce or not to pierce,” drop me an e-mail if you’d like our ped’s thoughts for moms having their dd’s ears pierced.
Angietune@hotmail.com
Thanks for sharing all these thoughts with us, Angie!
Hmmm…interesting comments from all! We randomly chose 13 as the age for piercing ears. Our reasoning being that she would be old enough to do the care for them (and since there were many younger children, I didn’t have as much time as other moms may have had). We let her do it at 12 when a friend was going, and she was pushing hard to get it done, and we felt this wasn’t the “hill to die on”, so to speak. Our next two girls waited until they were 12 without complaint. Even at that age, I ended up doing a lot of the cleaning, and putting in earrings for them for a long time.
So ask yourself if you can add in ear care times two, plus changing earrings times two. And let that help guide you.
Stick on earrings are fun, as are clip-on earrings (thrift stores and garage sales are a great place to pick up lovely earrings for girls S and H’s age)
Good luck – there is no right answer, as in much parenting. You need to go with your gut and do what you think is right for your family.
You had me here: “Ask yourself if you can add in ear care times two…” Right now, the answer is NO. I can barely get them to let me touch their hair. So first things first.
In our home we’ve put the age as 13. As a sort of marker to teen hood I guess. And bc of the caring for it, buying earrings etc. it’s worked well for us.
Seems like a common marker age and may just end up being what we do.
I’ve actually had a couple people ask me already when we’re getting K’s ears pierced. She is 13 months old, and I do not have any intention of getting her ears pierced any time soon. I know that it is a cultural thing for some. I want the decision to be hers, not mine, and I want her to be able to care for her ears when the new holes need to be cleaned and responsible not to lose earrings. The rule in my house was that I had to be 13, but then I remember on my 12th birthday getting the big surprise that I could get my ears pierced! So, just from my own experience, I tend to think that around that age would be a good age for K, but I guess I think a little bit earlier would be fine, too.
Amazing that people ask that about a baby, but as you say, for some people it’s normal to pierce a baby girl’s ears.
My oldest daughter is only 15 months, so we haven’t had to cross this bridge, yet. I suppose I got mine pierced before most girls do, age 5. I was asking to do it and my mom thought that I was old enough to make the decision. I wouldn’t have a problem doing a similar thing: they can get them pierced when they ask to do it, but I haven’t talked it over with my husband. He might have a different view of the matter and I see the perks of waiting til they’re older for it to be a special coming of age thing. When mine were pierced my mother had them put in hypo-allergenic simple studs that I could sleep in easily and that I wouldn’t have to remove for a few months. I think I wore them for six months without ever taking them out and I didn’t have any trouble with them getting infected. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision for your little ones
I remember wearing my studs for the first six months, too. I was terrified they would grow over if I didn’t!
I was 2. Since my mother shaved my head to give me thicker hair – an old wives tale trick I suppose – I’m assuming that “consequently” she said people use to giggle saying I looked a like a boy and in order to set the record straight she had my ears pierced to let people know I was a girl. Thus my introduction to beauty – saving me from being laughed at by looking like a boy. Won’t go on about all that here… But I do have to say I remember it actually. (I have a handful of memories from 2&3.) I cried a bit for the second piercing – don’t think they did any numbing in those days, so one hole is higher that the other. Probably because I was not still. Hopefully there’s a painless way of doing it now. My vote is for earlier than later – just to get over the pain part – might be easier to get it over with when they’re younger. But can’t they enjoy clip-on earrings for a while?
And, yes, my hair is still super fine and limp as the day I was born.
I would never have guessed your ears were pierced at 2. Don’t know why…
It’s amazing how many people call our girls “he” or “him” — probably because of their short hair, but it gets annoying. I don’t think they look like boys at all — they have very girlish features. And people will even say it wen they’re wearing pink! If it continues, that’s one reason we may be inclined to allow them to pierce their ears early.
I was like you, Mom said I had to be able to take care of them myself. I was 10. I think that is a good age, hitting double digits is a mini milestone and ear piercings are a mini reward. My nieces were pierced as babies and now they get infections at the holes all the time.
I wouldn’t want to deal with ear lobe infections in babies — seems like there’s already enough to deal with!
I was a very self-possessed 4 year old and when I asked my mom if I could get my ears pierced, I guess she figured I was old enough to handle it. Even at that age, I appreciated that she trusted me. I did get quite a few infections, but was able to work through them with her help.
I haven’t really had to think about this since I have all boys, but if I do have a girl one day, I think I may tie it to some rite of passage. We’ll see.
I would never have expected you to have your ears pierced at 4, Ann… another surprise. Glad to hear you got through all the infections.
I got mine pierced at age 10, and I did a terrible job of taking care of them. So when our little girl started expressing a desire to get hers pierced at age four, my husband and I discussed it and decided that we would rather be in charge of the care than leave to chance whether she would be responsible enough to do it right later, even as a tween or young teen. For us, it was no big deal. We simply made ear cleaning part of our nightly bath routine. Once we could change out the original pair, we started cleaning/changing the earrings weekly on hair night.
We do restrict what kind of earrings she can wear – only small, stud-type, high quality ones (sterling silver or gold posts) that do not extend past the edge of her ear lobe and that do not dangle. We have had no issues with infection, getting them caught on things, etc. I’m glad that we did it when we did and will do the same for our baby if she expresses an interest as a preschooler.
I was 6 when Mom took me to get my ears pierced. I don’t remember whose idea it was, though
. Apparently Dad was super anxious about it, but it turned out fine. I never had an infection and I’ve held on to my first special pair of earrings ever since. Ironically enough, I hardly ever wear earrings these days. It sounds like 13 is a nice sensible and meaningful age to pierce your ears, but in my case the great thing is that I don’t remember stressing about it or dreading the pain. Oh my, having boys sounds so much simpler, doesn’t it. 
We had Jenni’s done after she graduated from Kindergarten. She kept asking us to let her get them done, so Ken took her to the Pediatrician to pierce them. Jenni only wanted her father to take care of them for her. So, everyday without fail he would clean her ears and she was happy. No problems.. I was in middle school when I had mine done and my sister Kathy did it with an ice cube and needle.. I do NOT recommend this for anyone…
Clip earrings is what I bought for Presely Christmas because she is wanting earring so bad. That has worked great so far..
The girls are beautiful
I was 20+ when I had it done. I never had any desire to do it until then.
I have three daughters and my husband and I decided they could get their ear pierced when they are at least 16. I see holes in the ears as something they should decide on their own and not done without their consent. I do let my 4 year old wear earrings that are just stickers (found at child jewelry stores). They only last a day and I don’t see any harm in them.
My parents said I couldn’t get it done until I was 16. But that was back when dinosaurs roamed the earth so it doesn’t count.
All my life I dreamed of having a daughter and getting her ears pierced (as well as having long hair, etc, etc.). I love jewelry and have loads of earrings and couldn’t wait to share all of this with her. I am totally against doing anything to one’s body that is permanent –but piercings are not. If you don’t like it, leave the earrings out and the hole closes up. So when I finally, finally had a daughter (adopted from China) I got her ears pierced by a dermatologist at 15 months. We had a little trouble because I was TOO fastidious in cleaning them and we had to let the holes close up and the dermatologist suggested redoing them after six months. I knew I had to redo them because she kept looking at my earrings and touching them and holding her ears….she clearly wanted this.
She is now 8 and earrings are the only jewelry she will wear. She loves her pierced ears.
I say do what you want. If you change your mind they can close up.
I’m for doing it when the daughter is old enough to take care of her ears pretty much by herself. Thirteen seems a good age, as a sort of “marker” of growing up. I have five daughters, four with pierced ears. I think everyone was in the neighborhood of eleven to thirteen when the piercing was done. The daughter without pierced ears, who is now nineteen, just never wanted to get her ears pierced. My own mom and dad said sixteen, but I think that is a little long to make a poor girl wait!
I have never had the desire to have pierced ears (much to the annoyance of my grandmother), but I don’t have a principled objection. If my daughter ever wants to pierce her ears, I think I’ll insist that she wait until she’s in her teens so she’ll be able to take care of them herself and make an informed decision about the whole issue, decide on her own earrings, etc.
Heh. The other irony is that while I *don’t* have pierced ears, my husband does. He let the holes close up long ago, but still…
I’m with SarahD: Still haven’t pierced my ears — not out of principle, but just because…it never really came up? I’m not sure. My dad was very anti-ear-piercing when we were younger, but one of my sisters wheedled and begged long enough that she finally wore him down and he relented for her 16th birthday. Another did it probably around the same time; the third sister and I are still holdouts. At the time when most of my peers were getting their ears pierced, I guess I just had no interest in jewelry — and somehow I never got around to it after that. I still don’t wear a lot of jewelry today (most days it’s just three tiny stackable rings that I never take off — no necklace, no watch, no earrings), and picking out earrings seems like it would just be one more complication… Eh, maybe I’ll get to it someday.
As for kids, I like the “wait until they ask/demonstrate some maturity and responsibility” approach — whenever that happens to be for your particular kid. But then, I don’t have little girls who are currently hanging Christmas ornaments off their ears…
I had my ears pierced around the age of 5. I can remember clear as day sitting in the chair at one of the jewelry stations in the mall when the woman pierced my first ear… I SCREAMED & CRIED!!! I had to take a lap around the mall before I went back to get the other ear pierced. It was terrible.
I couldn’t bring myself to pierce Norah’s ears as a tiny baby. She’s so innocent & perfect just the way she is, I just can’t put holes in her ears. I hear how difficult it is when they are toddlers because they would pull at their ears and earrings. Brad and I have discussed piercing them for her first birthday, but I still think that is too soon. I have a feeling we will be walking around the mall with her as she cries her eyes out until she can go back to have her second ear pierced, just as I had.
I had my ears pierced at age 13 in the family pediatrician’s office- somehow, this was the age my mother let us all have our ears pierced. They did it with an ear piercing gun- very quick and I do not remember pain. I think some of my classmates started shaving their legs and wearing bras around this time. Seems like a coming of age event- I remember being very excited and having these little tiny gold balls for earrings.
I got my ears pierced when I was about four months after a couple of my mom’s friends pestered her about it. She was afraid of the pain for me! Unfortunately, I didn’t turn out to be a girly girl and almost always am without earrings now, much to her dismay. Sometimes I wondered what would have happened if she had waited until I was 12 or older… I wouldn’t have gone through it myself. Not because I don’t want… I’m a wuss. I’m scared it would hurt like mad.
I was the opposite of my sister EML, I got my ears pierced at the age of 5. I remember being so excited about picking out the studs and feeling like a big girl. I don’t remember having any problems with them. My mom did make sure they were hypo-alergentic and I remember having to twist them a few times before I slept with them.
When my daughter was born I had planned to pierce her ears early too but she had no desire. She’s now 11 and is still not interested.