When I got married, a number of my single friends assumed they’d barely see me anymore. ‘That’s what happens,” one friend said. “You get married and friendships change.”
Not with me.
Sure, being married added new obligations and changed my availability occasionally, but I continued to prioritize my friendships. I kept in touch with far-away loved ones and made time for those who live near by. My husband knows how important friends are in my life, and we didn’t solely mingle with other married couples after we were hitched; among my closest friends are singles, married couples with many kids, single parents, men, people much younger than me — and much older — and friends from other countries and cultures.
But I’ve been a mom for four months now, and it’s a whole new ballgame. Every moment of my day is focused on two little girls’ needs. I can’t get on the phone unless they’re watching a program — and even then they seem to sense I’m no longer at their beck and call and come running. They don’t understand what “just a minute” means; they don’t even get that mommy needs to go the bathroom every now and then. The only evening time I have is after dinner before the girls’ bedtime, which is about 60-90 minutes at most (if I leave dinner clean-up to B). Weekends are no easier: Between errands, taking turns catching up on sleep, and spending time as a family, there’s little time for anything else. When I do have a few minutes for a phone call, I run through my mental rolodex of the people I need to get back to or want to connect with…and I feel overwhelmed. If a little free time comes my way, I usually just want to curl up with a book or magazine, write, or run out by myself.
What I’m experiencing right now is just a season, but motherhood has changed the time and energy I have, and it’s focusing my attention on the friendships that can fit into my new life. I can already see some shifts happening, even though they may not be apparent from the outside. This doesn’t mean dropping friends or ignoring people I care about, it’s just a realization that I can’t “do” friendship the way I used to.
Maybe those who say they lost friends to marriage really lost them to parenthood, since many people start families soon after walking down the aisle. I now see how that can happen. At the same time, if you place a high value on friendship, you find ways to stay connected — even if things must change.
Did parenthood change your friendships? How do you nurture your friendships as a mom or dad?
Image by Steve Mackay found via Pinterest
Hello, I'm Zoe Saint-Paul. I'm a writer, life coach, and new mama to twins who's trying to live "slower" in a speed-obsessed world. Here we chat about life and love, food and design, and everything in between -- all at the right pace. So grab some tea, pull up a chair, and join the conversation. Feel free to 
There’s no question that parenthood changed my friendships especially those based mostly on a shared interest because they involved a time commitment to something I didn’t necessarily have time for anymore. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing — just the way things are. Families are meant to draw you in for the good of the family.
Of course, friendships are still vitally important, but a little understanding and prioritizing are needed on both ends. My friendship tree has definitely been pared down, but I still have friends who are single and those who are married but don’t have kids. These people have been very understanding with time limitations and have very graciously worked with my new schedule — like coming over after the kids go to bed to watch a movie and order in some pizza. They also show an interest in new stage of life and embrace the changes in me.
For my part, even though I can’t get together as often, I make a point to carve out some time to get out for a drink or dinner to stay in touch. It may not be as often, but the time spent together is just as meaningful.
I live my single friends! And yes, it can be tough sometimes to get together, but I’ve even gone so far as bringing infant babies to bars to make it happen (although that wasn’t my best idea ever, it does show how important girl time is to me!).
I’ll never forget how one single friend stayed with me for a week and helped me with the kids while my husband was deployed to Afghanistan. It was so generous of her to pitch in and we had a blast!
I think a single friend who gets along with your spouse is a blessing, too! You can have them over for dinner without worrying that they can find a sitter etc.
Both the single and the married friend have to make an effort and be understanding, but if it’s a true friendship different life situations shouldn’t break that bond.
Oh my word! Autocorrect! I love not live my single friends!
Yes. Absolutely. I had the best of intentions to keep up regularly with my single/childless friends, but it was difficult. The time factor was a big one, but then also finding those commonalities for a flowing conversation was increasingly challenging. For a few of my women friends (who were married but chose not to have children), there were times that we felt some frustration with each other. No longer were the hubs and I going on weekend getaways or trying new restaurants to bring to the discussion – but rather my new excitement was the batches of baby food I was making or the triumph of my son rolling over! And sometimes I had to cancel last minute because my son was spiking a fever, etc. Even though I still adore those friends, I gradually migrated to new friends that had children. Even now, I hang out with those newer friends more as it just seems to work out better for our family. I still adore my childless friends and we still get together (though not as often), but it took some work for us to find a new common ground.
Absolutely! Children change your ability to invest in friendships. In particular, if the children are small and needy, then they require so much of your time and energy. I have read your past blog posts and you have mentioned your mother and large family. I also have a large family (eight children) and when I can sneak a few moments of solitude, I tend to read and spend some time for me. It doesn’t happen very often. I look forward to friendships when my children are a bit more independent.
It’s definitely made it harder to see all the people I’d like to see as often as I want. Time is tighter than it used to be. Of course, it’s also hard to detach this from simply growing up, being busier in general, having “real jobs” and obligations, and to personal growth and change. Not all friendships grow in step with the individuals involved.
What I notice more, however, is that I am far more selective with whom I allow into my close circle than I once was. Knowing that I barely have time for the people I really care about, I’m less inclined to “waste” my time on shallower relationships that I might once have been willing to cultivate for the sake of a good time here and there. Overall I think that has really cut down on my number of total friends, but the ones that make the cut are important to me and actually matter in my life.
Yes, it definitely does and there is just no getting around it! Your priorities completely change when kids enter the picture and your focus should turn toward home and family life. I have found it trickier to maintain quality friendships with some childless friends – it’s not that we have nothing in common anymore, it’s that they just don’t really get why I can’t invest the same amount of time and energy.
I have also found that I’ve had to pare down my friends, and that has meant holding on to those with whom I have more meaningful relationships. I try to be careful about saying yes to any old friend that asks to get together (mainly through Facebook) to make sure I am spending quality time with my close circle.
One thing that helps me is to have set times to see some of my friends — a group of us have a monthly dinner on the same day every month and I’m also in a book club. Both are always a blast and provide much needed friend time, but are low commitment if things are just too hectic at home.
During our years of infertility and waiting for adoption, I felt like we lost a lot of our friends because they had kids and we didn’t. They were never interested or available to get together, even when we offered to show up with pizza and beer after the kids were sleeping. I just didn’t get it. Now that I’m a mom, I think I understand a bit more, but not fully. I would *love* to be going out with girlfriends from time to time, but still, none of them are interested. (Perhaps I need some new friends?!) I imagine part of this has to do with the fact that they are working and I’m not, so I think when I go back to work I will probably notice a change in what I feel like I want to do and how I want to spend my time.
Kelly, I’m sorry to hear that. We were really grateful to the friends who offered to bring over pizza and beer after the kids went to bed — you totally would have been welcome! We sometimes felt abandoned by friends who never attempted to reach out once we had kids.